Behind The Mirror: A Novel

  "Six months after I broke my hands, Todd and I went to a costume birthday party for one of his friends. The couple lived in Broadmoor, too, just a few doors down from our house. When we arrived on foot, I stood in the doorway of their expansive living room, trying to match my Western cowgirl costume—a bandana and a leather cowboy hat—with a forced, grouchy, somber expression. 

I felt like a stranger to myself. I felt depressed. My now mostly healed hands tipped cocktail after cocktail as I tried drinking enough vodka that night to drown out Slygore’s consistent nagging, You’re a failure. You don’t know how to be in a relationship, let alone be married. You’ve messed this one up, too. You’re worthless. You better get out soon. You sssuuuuccckkkk.

Todd and I managed to navigate the after-effects of my accident and stay married, but I still felt disconnected from him. We barely spoke once we entered our friends’ house. I was in yet another cycle of negativity bias, where my mind paid more attention to the negative stories than the positive ones. I deeply believed my marriage was making me depressed. Pretending to be mean and grouchy in my costume felt more authentic than pretending to be happy and grateful.

I didn’t want to feel any of the unhappy, negative emotions that had been building for years and years, even way before Todd came into my life. I sincerely wanted to feel the same joy and happiness that seemed to emanate from everyone else at the party that night, yet I couldn’t. My anger was solely directed at my husband. I wasn’t happy, and I blamed him. I was like a broken record, going around and around singing the same words. Why wasn’t he making me happy? That was a big part of his role in our marriage, right? Why am I so unhappy with my life again? Why do I keep picking the wrong men? 

Making matters worse for me that night was Todd’s ever-present, life-of-the-party personality. He looked like he was happy and having fun, and that made me even angrier. It’s interesting how things change. Five years after meeting him, the very thing I once found exhilarating about Todd was now the exact thing that made me want to throttle him."